Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Fear of Favoritism

For as long as I can remember my sister and I have felt that our brother is our mother's favorite child. She vehemently denies it and I can see the pain in her eyes when my sister and I point it out to her, but it's just so obvious. We feel it and other people see it. She even said it once. Although, I'm sure she'll go to the grave swearing she never did but she did. I remember the day clearly, my sister, my parents and I were in Petland because we needed a new light bulb for our iguana's heating lamp. My sister and I didn't want to ask a question; we were being stubborn kids and didn't feel like being our parents go-to translators. My mom was probably annoyed from working the whole day then having to tend to her kids' crazy pets, she probably had a migraine, it probably pissed her off that after treating us to Burger King we couldn't do this one little favor for her. There were probably a lot of contributing factors that led her to shout "THIS is why your brother is my favorite!!!" She should've never said it and she'll always deny it but I still remember it. Clearly. Obviously.

When I had Isabella I understood what true all-encompassing & unconditional love felt like. Each passing day of her life illustrated to me that I could never and would never want to love anyone other than her. In other words, when I had Isabella the idea of having more children kind of repelled me. I wanted to selfishly love only Isabella for the rest of my days of my life. I didn't want any more children because I couldn't honestly picture myself loving anyone else as much as I love Isabella. I didn't want to be like my mom and have a favorite but pretend I didn't.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

I've been afraid since two lines showed up on that stick I peed on, sealing my fate as a mommy of two. Everyone has been happy & excited during this pregnancy, especially Isabella. But, a part of me is still nervous that when this little boy is here I'll have a favorite and one of my children will suffer the pain of feeling that favoritism and I'll suffer the pain of knowing I couldn't hide it.

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