Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Bump Files: Pregnancy Log week 29

Um...clearly I should've started this log approximately 20 weeks ago (when I found out I was pregnant) but the idea just hit me last night. Why? Because my friend (who is 38 weeks along) and I were comparing pregnancy woes. She's expecting her second child and it's a boy (just like me) and she's starting to get nervous because she's been informed that he's weighing in at 8 lbs 5 oz. She thinks she won't be able to push him out. She's a slight girl with a long thin frame, so I can imagine the fear of being unable to push out a large baby. She has been posting adorable bump-pictures on her Facebook page throughout her pregnancy, but last night she confessed that her belly isn't that cute. She sent me a picture and...


she's RIGHT!!!

Her belly is stretched taut and it honestly looks like her skin will tear at any moment! On such a small frame it's intimidating to see SUCH a large baby bump. It's not the kind of thing you see in people's pretty pregnancy photos. It looks almost painful. She complained about her stretch marks, which I didn't even notice and I felt I could definitely one-up her in the ugly stretch marks department. So, I sent her a picture. She said mine didn't look bad and I said my camera didn't do them justice.

First of all, my first pregnancy left me with three angry red-turned-brown stretch marks right across my abdomen that made it appear as thought I'd gotten into a tussle with Wolverine and obviously lost. Now, this pregnancy has only added insult to injury and now I've got these pink stretch marks scattered around the original three...not pretty.

Pregnancy is NOT pretty. Not all the time, and women neglect to mention this to other women.

My friend and I discussed several different "uglier" sides of heartburn. A lot of us suffer from this horribly intense heartburn, I've had it with both pregnancies. But how many times have ANY of your friends told you that their heartburn is so bad that they have to upchuck just to get rid of it sometimes? I've done it and so has my friend -- we both thought we were "the only ones." I told my friend that once mine was so bad but I just didn't want to vomit so I was coughing it out and well, the bile decided it was going to come up any way and it shot out of my nose!! BILE CAME OUT OF MY NOSE! How disgusting is that?! Maybe sufferers of chronic heartburn experience this as well, but personally, it's just a pregnancy horror story.

I'm not trying to freak any one out by posting this stuff, just trying to be honest about what pregnancy can be like. It's still a beautiful experience, but it can be pretty icky sometimes too.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Fear of Favoritism

For as long as I can remember my sister and I have felt that our brother is our mother's favorite child. She vehemently denies it and I can see the pain in her eyes when my sister and I point it out to her, but it's just so obvious. We feel it and other people see it. She even said it once. Although, I'm sure she'll go to the grave swearing she never did but she did. I remember the day clearly, my sister, my parents and I were in Petland because we needed a new light bulb for our iguana's heating lamp. My sister and I didn't want to ask a question; we were being stubborn kids and didn't feel like being our parents go-to translators. My mom was probably annoyed from working the whole day then having to tend to her kids' crazy pets, she probably had a migraine, it probably pissed her off that after treating us to Burger King we couldn't do this one little favor for her. There were probably a lot of contributing factors that led her to shout "THIS is why your brother is my favorite!!!" She should've never said it and she'll always deny it but I still remember it. Clearly. Obviously.

When I had Isabella I understood what true all-encompassing & unconditional love felt like. Each passing day of her life illustrated to me that I could never and would never want to love anyone other than her. In other words, when I had Isabella the idea of having more children kind of repelled me. I wanted to selfishly love only Isabella for the rest of my days of my life. I didn't want any more children because I couldn't honestly picture myself loving anyone else as much as I love Isabella. I didn't want to be like my mom and have a favorite but pretend I didn't.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

I've been afraid since two lines showed up on that stick I peed on, sealing my fate as a mommy of two. Everyone has been happy & excited during this pregnancy, especially Isabella. But, a part of me is still nervous that when this little boy is here I'll have a favorite and one of my children will suffer the pain of feeling that favoritism and I'll suffer the pain of knowing I couldn't hide it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Things I do NOT need right now...

If I didn't have a toddler, a baby on the way, rent, electricity, gas and a phone bill I'd get up and walk out of this place right this second. Why? Because I'm FED the EFF up. I am in no way saying that I need to be treated like a delicate little flower just because I'm pregnant but for Pete's sake have a little mercy on my nerves! I don't think I need to remind these people that I delivered my daughter 6 weeks premature and the ONLY contributing factor that anyone could come up with was STRESS! This place always makes me feel borderline guilty for being pregnant -- like the birth of my child and maternity leave are so detrimental to the entire company! I don't need that sh*'s a list of other sh*t I don't need from this wholly awful institution...

  • I don't need to be treated as though my pregnancy is some sort of inconvenience for MANAGEMENT.
  • I don't need to be pressured until the stress of it all makes me lightheaded and has me on the verge of tears from the injustice of it all.
  • I don't need my boss staring at my belly like it's a ticking time bomb that's going to blow up in her face leaving her with *gasp* unfinished work!!
  • I don't need to be pushed into finishing everything pending on my desk as if it's all as easy as snapping my fingers.
  • I don't need to literally be poked when I overlook an error that frankly was made by my boss in the first place!

I really just don't need anything from this Godforsaken place other than the money.

Sadly, that money really talks.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Scents of My Childhood

This is just a little something that came to me while on the bus on my way home from work:
A man just hopped on the bus, his scent was instantly familiar. It was the malodorous scent that permeated the parties I attended as a child. Sitting side by side with my siblings, ankles crossed, hands folded in my lap, dressed in itchy frills. It was cheap cologne, beer and a working-man's sweat. Sweat that percolated from pores a few drops at a time before bursting forth in rivulets that streamed down faces that tried to tickle and bite me and eventually shoved a dollar into my little folded hands. The smell of my uncles.

I think it's something I can expand on to include other scents from my childhood. Oscar de la Renta perfume in that tall bottle with a floral embossing on it's front that will always and forever remind me of my mom. The musky smell of sweat and "outside" that's the signature scent of teenaged boys all around the world that reminds me of my early teen years and following around my skater boyfriend.